


When Love Left Alone

by Tiara_of_Sapphires



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forgiveness, Friends With Benefits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 18:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiara_of_Sapphires/pseuds/Tiara_of_Sapphires
Summary: Rebelcaptain May4th fic for sublimesenorita!Prompt: Jyn and Cassian making up after a particularly nasty argument.





	When Love Left Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SublimeSenorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SublimeSenorita/gifts).



> :dabs: Time for angst!  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot (and even then that’s shaky)

Bodhi didn't ask when Jyn came to his bunk, red-eyed and sniffling.

His bunkmate was on mission, so Jyn climbed into the empty bed and lay down, curling into herself like a child. Bodhi could hear the sobbing breaths, clearly trying to hold it in, until finally her breathing evened out.

The next morning, he broached the subject in the plainest of terms: “Did you and Cassian have a fight?”

Jyn blinked blearily, tears from the night filling her eyes.  A lie sprung to the front of her mouth, but she swallowed it back. “Maybe.”

It had been ugly, but they didn't yell. That almost made it worse: the slightly raised voices, the spitting foul words.

It wasn’t like the holos: an arguing couple drifting closer and closer to each other before they were furiously making out and all was forgiven. They had repelled each other like the same poles of a magnet, the air in the room getting oppressively heavy. Jyn fled, unable to look at Cassian’s angry face anymore.

It had started when they talked about the Rebellion. It had been months since the battle on Scarif and the Death Star’s destruction.

In her heart, Jyn didn't know what she had stayed with the Rebellion.

The other members of _Rogue One_ made sense. Bodhi, Baze, and Chirrut had nowhere else to go. Jedha City was destroyed and reports said that the blast had made the planet’s core so unstable that most sentient life had evacuated. Their home was gone.

But Jyn, well, she couldn't know for sure that the Rebellion would keep her around for that long. Her connection with Saw and her parentage meant that few trusted her, despite her actions on Scarif.

Cassian could easily disappear back into the ranks of the Rebel Alliance. And disappear he did and often. It bothered her, more than she’d like to admit.

If she was to stay, Jyn wanted to keep him at the base with her. Even then, it wouldn’t be enough. She wanted them to leave entirely. They almost burned to a crisp on Scarif, after setting up the scene for the Empire’s greatest defeat yet.

The Rebellion had Solo and Skywalker. Jyn and Cassian, orphans from this war, didn't need to stay. There were new heroes to take the spotlight, to take the fall for the harebrained missions.

The fight had started from there: Cassian defending his position in the Alliance and Jyn wanting to leave.

Neither would budge, leading her to leave and sleep away from Cassian’s room for the first time since they had touched down back from Scarif.

Bodhi eyed her with sorrow when the last of her explanation quieted.

“It’s all he has, Jyn,” he said softly.

She snapped, “He has m—.” She cut herself off, realizing how selfish she sounded. It couldn't be all about her, though she wished it could be.

“Maybe, you should apologize and then talk about it like—like rational adults.”

Jyn nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. Apologizing would be difficult. She was nothing if not proud.

She wanted to run and take the people she cared about with her. She wanted to shield them from the pain and death that would come from fighting the Empire. It had been irrational and she knew that now.

Cassian had been really upset with her—she knew his posture enough to know that this was different from the usual arguments they would have—so she didn't know how receptive he would be to her apology.

The trip to Cassian’s quarters was blessedly quick.

She tapped the security code and blew out a sigh of relief when the door slid open. He didn't change the code on her, so that meant he couldn't possibly be as upset with her as she feared.

That relief evaporated when she saw that the room was empty. The bedding was turned-down, all meticulous. It was as if he had never been there.

Fear clutched at her chest, just a little. The rational part of her said that he was likely still in the base, taking his mind off of the fight. It also explained the room. He like keeping his things tidy to a point where if she left anything out on the side table or bed it would inevitably get stored away.

It was especially true when he was stressed. If she entered the room and it smelled like cleaning supplies, she knew that he was having a bad day.

The smell was conspicuously absent, but she forced the thought from her mind.

She left the room to wander around the base, asking around for Cassian. Nobody had seen him; that was the prevailing answer.

One person had mentioned seeing him heading to the flight deck in the predawn hours. K2 was gone as well.

Her heart clenched, a horrible sense of dread closing over her.

When she entered the war room, everyone gave her suspicious glances, like they were moments from kicking her out. So much for Scarif.

“General Draven, where is Captain Andor?” she asked.

Draven looked her over and sniffed. “That’s classified, _Sergeant_ Erso, but I can tell you that he isn’t on the base.”

Panic rose in her throat, though she did everything she could to hide it from him. A flicker of guilt seemed to pass over Draven’s face, but he turned back to the monitors to dismiss her.

She left, hands shaking.

‘Classified’ meant a mission. ‘Classified’ meant she wouldn’t be able to know what happened until she needed to know.

He always told her when he was going to go on mission and how long he expected he would be gone. He _left_. He didn't even say goodbye.

Jyn went back to Cassian’s room, toed off her shoes and lay down in Cassian’s bed.

The pillow still smelled like him.

She lay there for a long amount of time, enough that the pillow was near-soaked with tears.

“Jyn?”

The voice startled her but she knew immediately it wasn’t Cassian. She hadn’t locked the door behind her, so Bodhi must have looked for her.

“Bodhi, he left.”

Cassian didn't press a kiss on her head before he left. She didn't poke fun at him before he left, reminding him that he better come back alive or she would kick his ass.

They hadn’t even told each other that they loved each other yet.

“I know, Jyn. I’m sorry.”

She lifted up her head, wiping her streaming eyes. “I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to get in contact with him.”

It took a while, but eventually Bodhi got her to wash her face and go eat something. The rations tasted like sawdust, more so than usual.

Baze and Chirrut were busy training recruits, so she was temporarily spared the questions and the pitying looks from them.

Target practice followed. Jyn, to her credit, aimed true while Bodhi halfheartedly shot at the targets. Bodhi could aim with a ship’s cannon as easy as breathing, but he never was comfortable with blasters. That lead to drinking in Bodhi’s quarters.

Bodhi melted into his chair while Jyn became maudlin very quickly, flopping over in the lower bunk.

“At least, you have Luke,” she mumbled.

Bodhi flushed red. “Listen, Luke doesn’t know anything.”

She scoffed, pressing her face into the pillow.

“Sure, he doesn’t.”

She was drunk and the next day she was definitely going to regret it.

“I don't know what I have to do to fix this.”

The worst-case scenarios popped into her head. Her dying, him dying, before she could apologize.

She rolled onto her back, wiping her face. Trying to breathe, just keep breathing.

* * *

* * *

The days that followed were dull and sad. Sleep alluded her most nights, not knowing where Cassian was or if he was okay. It was target practice and running laps around the base and refusing Chirrut’s offers to meditate with her.

She was content with doing that day-in, day-out, until Cassian came back. Draven told her nothing and nobody else told her anything.

They had better things to do that indulge a lovesick Sergeant, especially if what she wanted could risk their best spy and a carefully-planned mission.

That is, until Mon Mothma ran into her in the hallway, cornering her perfectly to make it clear to Jyn that she wasn’t getting away.

Mothma handed her a tiny scrap of paper with the number of a comm channel.

“Technically, I’m not supposed to give you this. But, I think it would do both you and Captain Andor good if you reach out to him.”

Jyn felt very small and exposed under her gaze. “Thank you.”

“I don't know when Captain Andor will be returning, but it should be before the month ends.”

With her luck, it would be longer. Jyn would still wait, but she knew that the wait could be very long.

Jyn struggled to look at least a bit optimistic. “I hope so, ma’am.”

Mothma smiled, “Now would be a good time to call, I believe. Have a good day, Erso.”

Jyn didn't know how to respond to that. She had been having a string of terrible days and it didn't look like it was going to let up. The older woman was an endless source of both pragmatism and optimism.

Whatever conflicted feelings Jyn had didn't stop her from holding onto that number like a lifeline, returning to the room she claimed as her own while Cassian was away. Nobody had kicked her out, so she would overstay her welcome as much as she could.

The bed no longer smelled like him, but she tried to pretend that it did. The temptation to go into his drawers and find his clothes was strong, but her pride kept her from going that far.

She logged into the channel and the little green light flashed at her.

Mothma said it was a good time to call. Jyn had no choice but to believe her.

She sucked in a breath, squeezing her eyes shut as she activated the line. There was a series of beeps, a long pause, before a tiny, cheerful chime confirming the connection sounded.

“Cassian, it’s Jyn. Do you read?”

A few long moments passed and she repeated herself, praying to the stars that he was there, that he was safe, that she didn't accidentally just get him killed by calling.

“Cassian, here.” Hearing his voice immediately closed a fist around her heart, bringing tears to her eyes.

He didn't sound annoyed or stressed, but he didn't sound exactly happy. At least, he didn't immediately hang up on her. “Is this a good time?” she asked.

There was a pause. “As good a time as any.”

She sighed, tapping the comm to her forehead.  Now that she had his attention, she didn't know what to say.

She missed him so much and that seemed to open a wide chasm in her chest.

“I’m sorry. I was stupid.” Her voice cracked painfully and she swallowed around the lump in her throat.

If she had been able to see him and touch him, she would’ve thrown herself at his feet and clung to him like a drowning person would to a rock.

Cassian sighed in return. She could almost see him shaking his head. “You weren’t stupid. You have every right to feel the things you feel.”

Silence reigned for a few moments

“I’m sorry I left without telling you,” he rasped, “It was cruel of me.”

It was cruel. She didn't say it aloud, but it was good to hear him admit it.

“We both made mistakes,” she offered.

They were mistakes, but they were fixing them. There was a future to go from here. She hoped. She could only hope

“I forgive you, Jyn, for everything.”

The relief that coursed through her would have knocked her over if she hadn't already been sitting. He forgave her. There was still a chance.

“And I forgive you.” She sucked in a breath, wiping her face. “It doesn’t matter if you’re still with the Rebellion, just come back to me? Okay?”

The response was almost instant. “Okay, Jyn.”

At least, she had that to hold on to. She had that and his forgiveness.

“I love you, Cassian.”

A tiny intake of breath sounded in the comm and Jyn winced. It wasn’t how she imagined telling him she loved him would be like. She had hoped it had been in the throes of passion or in a quiet, tender moment.

She didn't imagine it whispering it into a comm while they were systems apart. She didn't imagine not being able to see his reaction.

The tinny reply was quiet, barely audible. “I love you, Jyn.”

That would have to be enough for now, until they were together again.

They talked for hours until Cassian’s voice became rough with sleepiness and Jyn’s stomach growled.

“Can I talk to you at the same time in two days?” Jyn asked.

It was out of practicality. Keeping a consistent contact could risk the signal being intercepted. If she had her way, she would be in constant contact with him.

“I don't see why not.”

She smiled at the comm, imagining his face smiling back at her.

“Be safe, alright,” she murmured.

She would always say that before he left. It was never a question, but a command. He was going to be safe, or she would tear across the galaxy to help him.

That was the bottom-line and they both knew it. If one was in trouble, no matter what sort of argument they had gotten into, the other would help.

That was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y’all enjoyed that!  
> All feedback is appreciated!  
> Cheers :D


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